We went and saw our friend’s band play today. They’re good players and performers, but the way things worked out, they’re weekend warriors rather than full-time musicians. I wonder how often they wish things had worked out differently.
Music is the stuff of dreams. I never wanted to be in a band when I was a kid. Seriously, my goals involved growing up to be some sort of corporate success. It was kind of horrible for my mom, I think — she was a flower child that begrudgingly drifted into office work because the extra money made things easier, and because in the end, that’s what grown-ups just did. She drifted back out because the way it made things easier wasn’t really all that easy.
Selling out wasn’t a dream, though, it was a goal. Being the CEO of a monolithic company seemed to be perfectly attainable; some days it still seems possible if I could learn to be more outgoing, more selfish, and more full of shit. While I had detailed plans for a dream bedroom in a dream house in a dream life for right then, I don’t think I had any dreams for the future. I don’t remember ever thinking that maybe someday I could be an astronaut or a movie star. I was far too clumsy and asthmatic to have any professional sports aspirations. The actual possibilities of my life seemed good enough.
I have flights of fancy now, of course. Escapism becomes necessary when that universe of possibilities shrinks. I have some pretty ordinary big dreams: of traveling regularly and eating kind of like Anthony Bourdain did on A Cooks Tour. I dream of being a better photographer and writer. I dream of being coherent and eloquent enough to come up with a good book. I dream of working on a screenplay and maybe directing it.
With maybe one foot on the top rung of the ladder of reality, things get more prosaic. I have some sort of obsession about going to graduate school to prove to myself I’m as smart as my friends that went. I regularly wish for the money fairy to show up so I can afford a house here and a cushion to provide for my mom as she gets older. I dream of finding more motivation so I can use the skills I do have to change the world, even just a little. I dream of getting over myself so that last thing is no longer a dream.
And every now and then, I dream of being able to play the piano and having people cheer for me.